Reflection on What I can do — Becoming Accountable
More shootings. More protests with actions of violence in cities across our land. More reports of unkindly, unprofessional and disturbing behavior on the part of those we have entrusted for the care of our government and our children.
Talking with friends, I have learned that death certificates are saying their parents died of Covid 19, even though that was not the case. Does it affect the monies that are allocated for health care?
Disturbing news throughout the media. And as people just begin to come together, there are certain hurts that may take years to be expressed.
A few years ago, reading a plethora of stories about life and death in World War II, I recognized that it took fifty years for some of the stories to be told. I remember listening to a Holocaust survivor, who never told her own child of her childhood and only revealed her personal story to her grandson’s eighth grade class.
Yesterday, I spoke with a woman who survived 911; but she’s not ready to tell that story.
Friends and family have fought cancer and other illnesses. They have seen their loved ones taken from their homes to be buried without being able to attend the funerals. They have stood outside in knee-deep snow to visit their aged mother in the closed nursing home. They have been in hospitals and nursing homes caring for our sick and aged, providing as much compassion and kindness as they can muster.
Many have been at home afraid or cautioned against going to a grocery store or market. Because of closings they have been unable to go to school, their job, a place of worship, a gym, a restaurant or any place where they might be exposed.
The healthier have reached out to others via letters, calls, social media; but for some, that has not been easy. Isolated, by themselves, and perhaps with a few close people in their small trusted circle, some have really felt an isolation not only of body, but of mind and spirit.
It may take fifty years before some are able to convey their stories. The challenges of being a person affected by racism, bullies, inappropriate sexual behaviors, violence, addiction, the endless challenges of being poor or sick or both, of loss, of ruin, of mistakes perhaps can only be examined once the struggle for immediate survival has occurred and we have passed the rage, the anger and desire for revenge.
Yet, some of us may not have fifty years to process all that has happened in our most recent history.
For healing, for victory, for acceptance to occur, there is much work to be done. My belief in God calms my fears and aching heart. You see, I believe in a God that is in every one of us. Yet as Esther Williams once said, “Pray like you have no work, and work like you have no prayer.”
I believe my first work is the need to be grateful for the gifts I have. Sometimes it is not easy when I am in what I call my “snarky” mood. But gratitude, for me is a golden list of all whom I am glad are in my life. Being aware of my friends and those who are not is important. The “those who are not” are those people who through their word, actions, or inaction have hurt me or someone I love. From them I have learned how I do not want to behave.
It is also being aware that I have and shall have abundant wealth. And I want to be grateful that I can be fiscally and socially responsible and generous to others. Wealth is not just what I own or have in my bank account; it is the skills, the gifts, the talents that I may have. Some amazing talent has been evidenced in the past several months by researchers, writers, artists, musicians, and so many. Our nation has tremendous wealth. May I give of my time, talent and treasure to make the world a better place for someone today.
My gratitude extends to my body, mind and soul. But you may say, ‘well that’s great, I’m glad for you.’ The work comes as I strive to improve my body, mind and soul. Over 750,000 people died of heart disease in America last year. People that are overweight are at higher risk for a plethora of illnesses. I recall a doctor imploring me to exercise and lose weight years ago by sharing the number of elderly women who could not get off the toilet. I don’t mean to be crass. But my point is that I want to be physically strong and agile as I can be.
As for my mind. I am grateful that I am curious and can learn. Some days, I have to consciously strive to learn something new. And some days, I find that I need to relearn something that I have not retained in my memory. Sometimes we learn by reading or doing or watching. Sometimes we learn by listening. As we listen to music or podcasts or the news, sometimes we are intent on truly hearing. Yet, as I talk with another person, that is where I really need to listen. So often I find myself wanting to solve the problem, that I fail to just listen.
Striving to be a problem solver is not a bad aspiration in life. Yet, one thing that I’ve come to learn recently is that I may not be aware of the “the problems.” Covid 19, the protests that turned to violent riots, the political rhetoric and barrage of sad news often times caused me to stop reading and listening to the news because of the sense of fear and anxiety I felt. But I have chosen not to live in fear. You see I am perceived as a white woman, albeit one that a young person today referred to a “Ma’am” (seriously, am I now that old?) and I am educated and I have enough. For all that, I can choose to allow others to seemingly despise me for my heritage, for what I feel I have worked to achieve and have and for what I represent; or, I can choose to be part of finding a solution.
The problems in our nation and the world abound. In my circle of family and friends, I am keenly aware of just the tip of the iceberg in the grand scheme of the world. Yet, I think in many ways I am blessed to be exposed as much as I am.
Each morning I see homeless sleeping on the beach or using the showers and restrooms near my apartment in Santa Monica. On some weekends I am able to volunteer and help provide them a meal, some groceries, some hygiene kits and some clothes. I can’t imagine how it must feel to need clothes because the ones I have are soiled and I have nowhere to wash them. How would I feel or react if someone gave me a can of beans if I don’t have a can opener or a microwave or stove to cook it. Even if I wanted to get a job, the library has been closed, so I have no access to a computer. And while I may even have a job, because I have been homeless, no one will rent an apartment to me.
Years ago, I lived in downtown Cleveland and observed the homeless sleeping under the bridges. It is a problem everywhere. People without food, clothing and shelter. Utilities being shut off for non-payment, no phone service, no internet, no way to even apply for help are just another part of the problem. Certainly, there are problems of addiction and often a second diagnosis of mental illness or some variation of some post trauma issues.
It is one thing to read about poverty and homelessness; it is astounding to see the faces of our neighbors and witness their needs. May I have the courage, the resources and the energy to do something to help each and every day.
And yet it is not just the poor that suffer. The challenge of being around too many people or around no one. My family and friends have heard me say I am grateful for time to myself, but only for a little while. Having parents live with us while raising our three sons and extended family around was wonderful. I miss those times. I have no regrets having lived with the sick and dying. A spiritual richness has long been instilled in me because of those years.
As the fear of Covid 19 instilled and demanded a wave of isolation across our nation and within my own family, I found myself becoming angry and frustrated. Respecting others wishes took some doing I must admit. Actually, perhaps it has been my own personal lesson in humility to accept the choices family and friends have made to not have me in their home or share a meal. I am grateful for the gifts of compassion and understanding. But I need to take action to heal. I find it comes when I reach out to others just to say hello.
The shooting and the violence I read about has not been at my doorstep. For that I am so very grateful. Yet, I have felt anger. When the anger became intense, I feared that the line between anger and rage was so very thin and that I might cross it. And it only takes a second and a person’s whole world has altered. Not just for the victim but also for the perpetrator. For a long while, I felt that anger was wrong. In truth, it is a gift. It can inspire the passion to make a difference. But we need clarity, calmness and poise in order to convey our thoughts and ideas for change. We need to passionately pursue change.
We must be accountable. What does that mean? It means working and taking action to assume responsibility. Whether we are talking about being the victim of sexual harassment, prejudice because of the color of our skin, our gender, our politics or a bully in our neighborhood or business, we need to take action. As a nation I think we are aware that there are problems. And whether we blame our parents, past generations, lack of education, poor upbringing, blame still keeps us as victims. There can be no excuses. Just because it’s always been that way does mean that it must therefore continue to be done that way. It is so easy to say “maybe it will all work out, we’ll just hope for the best.” I am a firm believer in faith and hope; but I am also a believer that I am supposed to act (work like I have no prayer).
First, I need to name it. What is making me feel powerless, i.e., feel like I am a victim. For a victim of domestic violence, for example, the first step is to accept the reality of the situation. A person out of work may feel powerless about their lack of employment.
The next step is to realize that I can do something about it. That’s work! Finding out what is or who is available to help. As an American citizen I have freedoms, rights and responsibilities. I can make a difference.
But the next step is to find a solution. While I don’t have one yet for all the challenges that I read about again this morning, I’m working on it.
I believe our world will be improved if I start by getting a good night’s sleep.
And before I close, I say thank you God for all my blessing and bless all those I love and those that I find it difficult to love, Amen.
